A Chronicle of Absurdity

Book Review: The Bonesetter's Daughter

2010-01-05T21:52:00.001-08:00

The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Very touching story. It's been a long time since I've read anything by Amy Tan and I feel like re-reading some of her books now. With all that I've learned in college and my continuing self-education about China, I feel like I have a deeper understand these stories. Still, even with a background in Chinese culture, I'd recommend this book because its simply a beautiful story of love between mothers and daughters.

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Book Review: The Ultimates 2

2009-12-22T10:39:00.001-08:00

The Ultimates 2 Vol. 1: Gods and Monsters by Mark Millar

My rating: 2 of 5 stars
Bit disappointed in this issue. I really enjoyed the first two volumes of the Ultimates by Miller... but the direction the storyline is taking with the characters is weak at best.

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Estrangement- Part 3

2009-12-11T12:00:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I thought I could write some semi-good news about my sister, however as of last night this tale took another tragic twist. Since the last time I wrote about this, both my sister & her boyfriend Jason were released from jail after only serving a month sentence. The prisons are so overcrowded that they didn't have room for two "minor" drug offenders. For a while, Jason and my niece Zoey were living with Jason's mother Cleo, while my sister was staying with her father. This only lasted for about a month when Chris, my sisters father, kicked her out. There was a week were I didn't know where Nicole was and I constantly worried about her safety as the weather had gotten colder.

At Thanksgiving I found out that Nicole had moved back in with Cleo. This news surprized me greatly as I was under the impression that Cleo had had it with my sister. My mother told me that Cleo had recently been diagnosed with colon cancer and had decided to give Nicole one more chance as she needed help around the house.Since she was back at Cleo's house, Nicole was able to have access to a computer and I knew she had contacted my brother Ryan a few times via email. Given it was almost exactly a year since we had last spoken to each other and reports from my mother that she was doing better, I decided it was time to reach out to her.

My email to her wasn't that different from the last one I sent to her after that horrible phone call last year. "I'm still angry with you for what you did but I love you and miss you" is pretty much the gist of what I wrote. She wrote back to me almost a week later with an email that did show some positive signs she was doing better... but it still cut me into pieces. I was in tears within seconds of reading the email and could barely see the computer screen. Each time I try to talk about it or read it again, my emotions overwhelm me and I can feel the tears threatening to return. While things between Nicole and I are in a very bad shape, up until last night I had foolishly begun to hope that she was doing better. It was clear from the wording of her email that she was working through some of her issues and I even believed her when she said she was going to NA meetings.

Last night however I found out that her & Jason were kicked out of Cleo's home again. Cleo had warned both of them that if any of the medications she need to recover from her colon surgery were missing, even a single pill, that she would kick them out. She discovered at least 24 pills missing from one of her prescriptions. So they left, taking my 5 year old niece with them. Cleo offered to let Zoey stay so that she could continue to go to school, and have some resemblance of stability in her life, but my sister wouldn't be parted from her. No one knows where they are now. They both don't have jobs and with their criminal records its seems unlikely they'll get one. If it was just Nicole & Jason that were missing, I won't be as concerned as I am now but since Zoey is with them I am. Mom seems confident that Nicole will eventually contact her and doesn't want to do anything drastic like filling out a missing persons report. Cleo told my mother that she has been & will keep contacting Zoeys school to make sure that she's at least getting to school.

I can't help but beat myself up a bit for letting myself believe (yet again) that things were getting better with Nicole. After all the years of getting bad news that she was using drugs again, I thought I had lost that naivete. It was only a small glimmer of hope as I was (and still) don't trust my sister to be honest with me. Yet that small glimmer was there. In her email to me Nicole had shown some signs she was confronting her addiction and I let part of me cling to that hope. We don't know for sure if it was Jason, her or both of them that were stealing Cleos prescriptions, but I believe it was her.

Sometimes I doubt my decision to reach out to her again. Part of the reason I had estranged myself from her to was to protect myself from getting hurt. Getting her email was extremely painful and now I have the worry about her and Zoey safety also on my mind. This morning I woke up hours before my alarm, unable to sleep as I worried about them. Are they safe? Are they warm? Is Nicole going to end up in jail again? At times like this I wish I believed in the gods more or at least had my mother believe that everything was going to be alright. Though praying has lately felt like an empty task, I still found myself praying this morning to whatever gods may be out there for their safety... and that my sister will at least contact my mother soon.

dreaming

2009-11-16T11:03:00.001-08:00

I had a confusing dream that I was going to school again at Reed. For some reason I was living in Forest Grove again with my folks, but had found somewhere in downtown Portland that I could stay at sometimes.

At one point I was on campus going to a french class. While reviewing my text book I got this overwhelming deja vu feeling that I had done this before. Then I started to remember that I had already graduated from Reed.

[I find this dream particularly amusing since I've actually been missing being in school a bit. However when I started to realize in the dream that something wasn't quiet right since I already graduated, it felt kinda creepy to be on campus.]

Book Review: Middlesex

2009-11-15T10:55:00.000-08:00

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I simply loved this book. The writing was brilliant & I only hope that some day I can write something half as good.

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book review

2009-11-15T08:41:00.001-08:00

Needful Things by Stephen King

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This is third time I've read this book and I still couldn't put it down. Definitely one of my top three King books (other two are It & The Stand: unabridged).

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Pumpkin Fun

2009-10-25T13:41:00.000-07:00

Once again, I cannot use facebook to upload my photos. Facebook users, you'll have to follow the link to my blog to see the photos.

Yesterday Ry, Alletta, Ashley, Calvin & I all ventured out to the Sauvies Island pumpkin patch. After a nice meal at the Broadway Grill, we went back to our place for carving fun.

Pumpkin Fun

Camping at Little Cultus Lake

2009-10-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

Facebook photo upload hates me and refuses to upload any of my photos. So I'm back to using my blog and picasa account. Facebook users, you'll have to follow the link to my blog to see the photos.

We did this trip in the last weekend of Aug (yeah, I'm a little behind on posting these). It was just Ry, Alletta, and I for most of the trip. Ashley and Calvin did join us for the final night though. Next summer we hope we can organize a larger camping trip with both family and friends.

Camping @ Little Cultus

Cycles

2009-10-14T13:06:00.000-07:00

Once again I find myself facing a hard truth about myself, one that I've had before. Forgive me for the intentionaly vague language in this post, but I'm not fully ready to admit this publicly on the interwebs. All I say is that I've been hiding from my life & acting in ways that I find shameful. I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it was making me miserable. Yet it wasn't until this last weekend that I was finally ready to accept my failure.

This is the third time I've had this realization and I hope to the gods it the last. Each time before I thought I had learned my lesson. Each time I swore to myself that I was done with this self destructive behavior. But then I fool myself into thinking I can handle it. That I can have this part of my life & still function like a normal adult. Its never long till I come back to reality that I need to stop.

I can't keep avoiding my life, avoiding the people I love & care about. I feel like I've been in hibernation or a coma. That I've just been sleep walking through my life instead of actually living it.

So here I am once again making promises to myself. My hope is that this will be the last time I write a post like this. That this will be the last time I have to apologize for this type of behavior. No matter how painful it may be, I'm determined to face this with absolute honesty. Honesty to others but more importantly honesty for myself. I can't keep ignoring what I know is true. And I can't keep avoiding the changes I know I need to make.

Estrangement- Part Two

2009-08-17T23:17:00.001-07:00

It has been exactly one month since I've written about my sister and now once again she is all that I can think about. Two weekends ago, both my sister and her boyfriend were arrested for possession of heroin. They both claimed that it was their first time with heroin, but I do not for a second believe them.

One of the many things I have been struggling with about my sister is that I've completely lost the ability to believe anything she says. And since I heard that she had to begin her time in jail in a hospital because she was going through withdrawals, I don't believe that was her first time with heroin. Just as I haven't believed her for almost a year now when she would keep insisting that she was clean.

Their five year old daughter is now currently living with her grandmother, but up until last Thursday she had been staying with my mom. Both the boyfriend, Jason, & his mother lied to my mom about taking her for a day to visit, informing Mom late into the evening that my niece would be staying with them. Jason got out of jail on bail, but is likely to serve a 10 year sentence for the recent drug conviction. At first, his mother didn't want to raise my niece so she sent her to my mom. While my mom really didn't want to have to raise a small child again, she took Zoey in without a second thought. Then Jason, the man who had been with my sister for nearly 10 years, is now acting like she is the antichrist. He seems to blame her for everything, taking no responsibility for his actions in their drug habits. He was so paranoid at the thought that Nicole would "get her hands" on Zoey after she's served her time that he decided to practically kidnap her to his mothers. I know my sister is fucked up right now, but I cannot believe Jason was the innocent party in all this. And while I would love to see him absent from Zoey's life, I cannot ignore the fact that he is her father. No matter how much I despise him, I would never deny him a place in Zoey's life. As far as we can tell, Nicole has no idea the man she loves has turned on her.

I do not trust Jason and now, I'm beginning to not trust his mother either. He will eventually go to jail, so that thought does bring me some solace. Yet there is this feeling of dread about this whole situation I cannot shake.

I wish to all the gods ever imagined that Zoey was still with my mom. I wanted so desperately to believe that my instincts were wrong about Nicole's drug abuse. The night before I found out that she had been arrested again, I had told myself it was time to talk to her again. I let myself doubt myself and I wish I could say that I had been wrong. Like the belief that Nicole was using drugs, I have this feeling of dread about Zoey living with her grandma. I've always tried to listen to my instincts as they have tended to be right. Once again, I find myself praying that I'm wrong.

Amusing Archives

2009-07-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm having a hard time writing about Ireland lately. I have a few draft posts... okay 1 really about Dublin. I haven't given up the hope I'll write some marvelous accounts about my trip, but for some bloody reason I can't right now.

So instead, I'm looking at my old livejournal posts & putting up some of them I find amusing on here. Since I'm going to post them with the date originally written, this post will act as a convenient guide to them. Really I'm doing this because I have no idea how back dating posts will effect the feeds into sites like Facebook (or on the off chance someone reads my blog via a rss feed).

Anyways, enjoy these samples of my old livejournal posts. Most I'll probably just copy/paste but I might do some light editing for obvious spelling errors, poor wording or just plain confusing reanne-speak.

How I Almost Set My Parent's House on Fire
Reanne Hates Freud
Waxing Poetically
Worst Paper Comment EVER

I might post more of these later, but I've had as much of this I can take. I'm rather ashamed of how much I sound like a whingy sex crazed teengirl (in high school)

Estrangement- Part 1

2009-07-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

I've been writing this post for two months now and after recent events I realize I need to finish it. Recently I've been avoiding everything as I sulk with my fears about my sister Nicole. Now I feel that its time to finish this post (& hopefully heal somewhat so I can move on with my life).

I haven't spoken to my sister Nicole in 7 months, not since the week after Thanksgiving. We had a falling out after the death of our Grandfather and the fact that she stole pain medication from as he was dying. The reality that I've been struggling with about my sister is that she is a drug addict. She has lied and stolen from almost everyone in the family. Up until the event surrounding Grandpa's death... I had been able to retain some faith in her. But after everything that happened... I could no longer believe in her anymore.

The last time we spoke was one of the most ugly conversations I've ever had with her. I had this foolish notion that I'd calmly tell her how I was angry with her because she stole pain medication from our dying Grandfather. In my mind, this would have been a simple statement of my feelings... the reality was utterly horrible. Within seconds I found myself yelling at the top of my lungs, all the anger pent of over the years spilling out. It wasn't just anger, it was fear and grief as well. Grandpa had only been dead for a few weeks and I hadn't even began to really mourn him. Still, my grief wasn't just for him, it was for Nicole as well. I knew then, even if only vaguely, that my relationship to my sister would never be the same.

Despite being the younger sister, I have spent most of my life worrying about Nicole. Ever since I learned of the abuse she endured as a child from her father (we do not have the same father). Throughout the years, its only grown worse with time as I become ever more aware of the suicide attempts and drug addiction. It does not matter that she is my older sister by nine years, I feel like I have the burden of worry of an older sister. There is a part of me that cannot let go of the fear that I will out live her. That someday she will kill herself.

For many years as events would unfold with her, I always tried to be the comforting sister. Never saying anything that might make her feel like she couldn't talk to me, to the point of never actually speaking my opinion. I watched her lash out at my parents, saying extremely hurtful things filled with false accusations. To my shame, I would let many of these accusations go by with little defense for the falsely accused. I was so afraid of losing her confidence that I stayed silent about too many things.

This fear of losing her, of being estranged from her, has now come true. However it was not Nicole who drew away from me, but me from her. About a month before Grandpa health started to fail, I had my first moment of speaking up about her drug abuse. It was ugly for a time, but we did patch things up between us somewhat. I believed her then when she said she was clean, ignoring all my instincts saying otherwise. I so desperately wanted to believe in what she was telling me, that I tried to give her a benefit of a doubt when she told me she clean. Well, clean by her definition. I knew she still smoked pot but she insisted then that was the only drug.

Then Grandpa went into hospice care. He was in a great deal of pain before he died and therefore had a decent quantity of pain killers. Nicole had been helping take care of him and then stole a large quantity of pills and drank nearly half a bottle of liquid morphine. We found out when the hospice nurse asked about the missing drugs. The family confronted her & she did fess up to the theft. Gods, I'll never forget her reaction to my horror after she admitted that she drank from the morphine bottle.

"My gods Nicole, do you realize how easily you could have killed yourself? How dangerous that was?"

"Oh please Reanne, I've been doing drugs a long time. I know how to not OD"

Since Grandpa was dying and we all were too distracted with the grief of his passing (was well as Grandma who had only died 6 months prior), I held off on saying too much to Nicole. I was extremely hurt & angry that she could do such a thing. Though I now can recognize it as a sign of her addiction... it still breaks my heart that she could do something like that to our Grandparents. I suspect that she also stole drugs from my Grandma when she was dying... but I have no proof. All I know is that it was after Grandma died that Nicole started this recent downhill slide. Before then, really since she got clean when she was pregnant with Zoey, she had seem to finally get a hold of her life. Then Grandma died & I started to see small signs that lead me to believe she was using again.

There is still so much more to write... but I cannot do so right now. Tomorrow I shall try again to finish this.

Ireland photos

2009-07-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, finally totally finished up with the photos from the trip. Next to come will be the write up.

quick somber update

2009-07-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

I have this plan for a massive Ireland write up (which I still haven't given up hope on), however I feel like I should write a quick note. Right now its either the medication I'm on or the heat (perhaps both), making me lazy. However there have been some updates in my life aside from my trip, which was more amazing than I could ever have anticipated by the way, that I feel I must write about. So this will be a quick somber post.

Last Friday, June 26th, my aunt Karen O'Sullivan died. Before I left I knew that she had been told she had only 3 months left to live as her breast cancer has spread throughout her body. I was not prepared for the news of her passing as I sat in the Newark airport Monday talking to Mom to kill time before my next flight. I only really remember Karen from the O'Sullivan family reunion when I was in high school, I believe I was only about 16 at the time. I remember her amazing smile & the ease I felt talking to her. Mostly due to the distances separating us all, I'm not very close to the O'Sullivan side of the family. Karen was one of my aunts & uncles that really stood out among the rest & I always remember with great affection.

The other sad news I was greeted with that day is that Grandpa O'Sullivan, my last remaining grandparent, definitely has cancer. At the moment I'm not even quite sure how to put into words what I feel. So all I can say is that I hope for him what I hoped for the rest of my grandparents who have passed away. That if this means his time on this earth is soon coming to an end, that it will a painless as possible.

A Barrage of Updates

2009-06-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon turned out to be a bit more intense than I expected. When I got home from work, Ry mentions that Mom called & wants to talk to me. A little time passes, Ry tells me again, that I really should call Mom. He then hineds that something is up with Grandpa O'Sullivan.

When I finally do call her, oh my gods, it was one hell of an update. Now before I proceed, I should point out that many of the details I'm a bit iffy on. My mind was quickly overwhelmed as Mom filled me in. Plus, Mom was a little out of it herself as she was fasting in anticipation of a colonoscopy today.

My Grandpa is in hospital right now. He had fallen a few times & there something is wrong with his lower back. They're waiting to hear back from the doctor about him, but it seems like he might be getting in his final years. He is also my last remaining grandparent as his wife died during my senior year at Reed and last year I lost my both my grandparents on my mother's side. Fuck.

My aunt Karen (who is married to my dad's eldest brother Tim), has only 3 months to live. She has been battling breast cancer for many years but appears to be losing that battle. She had been in remission for a few years but now the cancer is back and has spread throughout her body. This sadly is almost exactly what happened to my aunt Shirley (mother's side of the family), who died at the start of my sophomore year at Reed.

We had all hoped that Karen was going to make it through this recent reemergence. While I'm not particularly found of her husband, I've always really liked her. Tim, who I usually refer to as "that asshole born-again-christian uncle", once told Mom she was a bad mother because Ry & I weren't raised in any church. Though he didn't like the Catholic church, he said it would have been better than nothing at all. Can't help but wonder how he'd feel if he knew I was a bisexual borderline-atheist with pagan leanings, not to mention pro-choice socialist. Anyways, Karen is wonderful and one of the few family members on that side of the family I really like. Plus her & my mom are somewhat close. So yeah, fuck.

My uncle Rick's, another one of my dad's brothers, brain tumor has re-emerged. He had it removed many years ago, but its back. Can't recall how series this tumor is, but it's a brain tumor so once again, fuck.

Now for the bizarre part of these updates. Just a shy 2 hrs before Mom & Dad got the call about everything going on with the O'Sullivan family, my parents realized they had been robbed. All but 15 of their DVDs were taken. Not their laptop computers, which were sitting in the living room with the DVDs. Nor their digital camera, which is only a few years old. Nope, nothing in the house was taken. Just almost all of the box sets of series like Carnival, Lost, The Tudors, Sopranos. Not to mention my copy of Firefly I had lent to them. Another strange thing about robbery, for the most part all but the 1st season of these series was taken. They still have the 1st season of Lost & Sopranos (maybe others but thats all I can recall Mom mentioning).

We all feel like this had to be someone in the family, someone with a key to the house. While there are a few suspects, I do not feel comfortable posting that here. At least not until we have proof. But since nothing but the DVDs were taken, I think its clear that this has to be, as they say, "an inside job." My parents have since then replaced their locks and are currently trying to find the theif.

This concludes the barrage of updates I got from my mother yesterday. All yesterday evening my head was spinning with a million thoughts (& some worries about other thing I can't talk about here). I'm still "processing" a lot of this. The O'Sullivan side of the family isn't one that I'm very close to. This is mostly due to the fact that they are spread throughout the country. Still, they are family nonetheless & the news about Grandpa, Karen & Rick is upsetting.

So yeah, fuck, fuck, & fuck.

Shanghai Dreaming

2009-06-02T06:15:00.001-07:00

This interview happened awhile ago, but I had to post it. Jenny Zhu is one of my favorite people at Chinesepod. I was lucky enough to briefly meet her last year during my visit to Shanghai last year when Joyce got married. She is a fascinating woman and I love all the work she has done with Chinesepod & on her blog, Jennyzhu.com

Yesterday Joyce called me and we got a chance to briefly talk. Just hearing her voice made me miss her so much. Then after watching this interview with Jenny, my longing for Shanghai is increasing.

I had started to give up on the dream of moving back to China recently, but now I'm not so certain. I still can't really afford it as my debt is still great & savings minimal. Hopefully my upcoming trip to Ireland won't set me back too much.

I really want to work for Chinesepod. I've been a loyal listener to the podcast since 2006 (though sadly have never been active that much on the site). Even if I couldn't get a job there, I do want to live in Shanghai. I miss Joyce terribly. I want to live in the same city as her again. To be part of her life more than a few times a year. Gods, I feel so uncertain about how to make these dreams come true.

Inner Activist Awakes

2009-05-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I decided to head downtown to the rally to protest the recent ruling about Prop 8. I have to say, I was disappointed by the size of the turn out. I'm hoping that was mostly due to poor notification about the rally, not lack of outrage about this issue.

I do believe that I shall see gay marriage in my lifetime. Not just on a state by state basis, but on the federal level. I've become very hopefully after the outrage over Prop 8 across the country & state like Iowa granting same sex marriage. Still, I want to see this level of outrage & activism in my home state. I want Oregon to be among the leading states on this issue. When the ban on same sex marriage was passed back in 2004, I was so ashamed to call myself on Oregonian. At the time I was living in China & sadly didn't get to vote. (Did the absentee ballot, but it arrived a little over 2 weeks after election day)

While listening to the speakers at the event, I realized it was time for me to stop being a passive observer. I care deeply about this issue not just as a queer person, but as a human being. Objections to same sex marriage that use religious definitions of marriage have no place in this debate. We either need to remove marriage completely from the government (& only have civil unions) or we need to let anyone marry regardless of their sexual orientation. The logic of 'separate but equal' was proven faulty before & I can only hope that it will again.

Today I emailed Basic Rights Oregon to volunteer. Last night I also signed up to donate to the ACLU. Its time for me to be part of the change I want to see in this country.

The Cult of Parenthood

2009-05-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is not the best time to write this as I'm a little more than annoyed. I just had (yet again) "the talk" from someone about how someday, I will probably want children. It doesn't matter if the talk is from someone who already has kids or just wants them someday, its always the same lecture.

Oddly enough, this all started from a talk about the last book of the Twilight series. (For those how haven't read the last book & hate spoilers, I'd stop reading now.) Like so many women I know, this person has the Twilight addiction. I don't want to spend too much time talking about Twilight, but I'll simply say this. Yes, its crappy writing. However there is something horribly addictive about it & once you start reading, you have a hard time not finishing the series.

Anyways, back to the point of this blog. We were discussing how the main character Bella gets pregnant in the last book. I was describing the point in the book where I was so disgusted with her character that I threw the book across the room (& couldn't look at it for a few days). She gets pregnant with this half vampire child. Despite the pleas from her loved ones, she insist on keeping the little parasitic thing that is slowly killing her.

For me, a person who has no absolute desire to have children, this was just too much. The thought of being pregnant to me is akin to having a parasite (or to make or more hyperbolic, an alien embryo like from the Alien movies). Something that will slowly eat me alive and once it emerges, will destroy my life as I know it.

Before anyone gets too horribly offended, I think its perfectly fine for others to want or have kids. I can on some small abstract level respect the desire to raise a child. However I'm talking about my body here. About my life. I'll admit things could change for me & perhaps someday I may decide to raise a family. However, I view that as likely as me becoming a devote, born-again, conservative christian. As likely that I'll becoming a stay at home mom after marrying some misogynist asshole who I'll completely submit too. Not bloody likely.

What pissing me off right now is that whenever I get into a discussion about my lack of a desire to have kids with someone who does or already has them, it's like talking to person in a cult. They seem to have no respect for my desire to not have children & will not rest till they try to convince me that I'll "probably change my mind". Even after I tried to ask this person as politely as I could that I didn't need to hear the lecture again, as I had heard it many times before, she just continued. The only way I could get her to desist with the conversation was to walk away.

This is what gets me every time. Even though I admitted I might change my mind, they seem incapable of respecting my current wishes. I do not need to be converted to the cult of parenthood. I simply want people to respect my choices in life as I respect theirs. Even if it seems I'm being disrespectful in this blog, please understand that this is me ranting. I do respect people decisions to raise families or to simply want children. However I do not appreciate people ignoring my feelings with the caveat of "oh, someday you'll understand."

dreaming renewed

2009-04-30T10:16:00.001-07:00

Gods, last night's dream was simply amazing. It was a classic case of a wish-fulfillment dream. I dreamed that I had hooked up & fell in love with a major crush of mine from college. (Unlike most of my college crushes, this was one I had acted upon. Well kinda. It's complicated but I did talk to him but just couldn't act on it for reasons I don't want to go into here). Everything about the dream was incredibly vivid that when I woke up at one point, I was crushed to realize it was all just a dream. I ended up over sleeping my alarm by almost 30min because I just couldn't let go of the dream.

Ever since I stopped smoking my dreams have returned to the intense vividness I had most of my life before Reed & smoking pot. A few days ago there were more like nightmares or anxiety dreams ( mostly about my estrangement from my sister). I'm complicating posting some of these dreams here, or maybe on a separate blog. Like the one I had last night, I'd rather not give out the name of the person I dreamed about online. (So the curious will simply have to ask me about it elsewhere). I have started keeping a dream journal where I try to quickly jot down as much as I can while eating breakfast.

Back in high school, I kept a dream journal and got really into reading up on symbols & Jung. After taking a few religion classes, well I can't help be but feel a bit skeptical of Jung. Still, I might return to some of his work. Hopefully my future dreams will be as amazing as last nights (& maybe my real life might try to pick up the pace a bit as well. one can hope).

Painful healing

2009-04-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

Though I've been planning to do this for ages, I've (finally) stopped smoking pot. I quit mostly for two main reasons: for the sake of my poor lungs & my social life. While we had some good times, pot & I, it's become an unhealthy relationship. After the emotionally stressful year I've had, pot became a crutch I relied upon too heavily.

In fact, I meant to stop smoking last year. I remember saying to myself around the time of my 25th birthday that "25 was the year I would stop." Well shortly after my birthday, in fact almost a year ago from today, my Grandma's health started to decline to the point that we knew the end was near. She died at the end of April.

I kept telling myself that I could keep smoking for various reasons, but once my Grandpa started to go, I fell back into the bad smoking habits I thought I was done with. I hate to admit this, but I was smoking almost every day for several months. After Grandpa died and I had my falling out with my sister, I gave into my weak side and smoked every night. I knew what I was doing was bad and recognized it for the emotion crutch that it was. But I was hurting too bad to stop.

When I first decided to live with Ry & Alletta, I promised them I wouldn't keep smoking when we lived together. I did end up smoking for a bit in the new place, but that was mostly due to the fact we moved in sooner than I expected. March 28th was the last day I smoked pot.

Now, well into my 2nd week of being pot free, my lungs are in that painful healing stage. I remember from previous attempts to quit that after the 1st week my lungs would start hurting a bit as I healed from the damage previously done. This morning when I woke up it felt like I had been inhaling smoke all night. My breath feels short & it almost hurts when I breathe in deeply. The only reason I'm not freaking out about this is the memory of being in this stage before. It sucks right now, but with time I will heal.

Already I've been seeing the benefits of not smoking.

Food tastes better.
I'm dreaming again.
Increased energy.
Feeling like my old self.

That last point might be more than just not smoking. I didnt' realize how miserable I used to be in my old house till after a few weeks of living with Ry & Alletta. Before, I did have a feeling like I was losing myself. But now I really feel more grounded and well, happy. I still have lingering issues about my sister that I will eventually have to deal with. But for now, I'm just relieved that I'm finally get my life back on track.

worlds collide

2009-04-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

This is kinda weird. Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite writers. Jason Webley is one of my favorite muscians. I had assumed for a long time that not many knew of Webley since I had discovered him via Reed, and all his concerts in Porltand seems to have mostly a Reed following.

A while ago, I remember reading on Gaiman's blog that he listened to Webley. At first I was thrilled that Webley is more well known than I originally assumed. But it started to seem strange. Its like when two actors you really like suddenly start dating (trying to find an better analogy, but this is best I can come up with right now).

For some odd reason, Gaiman & Webley existed in two different worlds. Webley belong to Reed & not so well known artists I like. Gaiman belonged to the well known artists of course. I know its a bit foolish to assume those worlds would never collide, but it still threw me when I saw Gaiman post that image on his blog.

Beatboxing Seasame St on Flute

2009-04-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

This is pretty cool, almost makes me wish I could play the flute.

April Fools Day Prank by Chinesepod

2009-04-01T13:26:00.001-07:00

Once again, I was fooled by a fake news announcement on April Fools Day. This time it was by the fabulous folks over at Chinesepod (last year it was Gmail that got me). It wasn't until I read the comments that I realized I had been fooled.

Here is a funny video clip about this 24 hr streaming they fooled me with.

ChinesePod live streaming podcast from PraxisLanguage on Vimeo.

CRC Rally Image & FB link

2009-04-01T11:35:00.001-07:00

Join group on facebook.

CRC Bridge Controversy

2009-04-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

I won't go into the details of this controversy, you can find many excellent articles on bikeportland.org or the BTA about it. I stand with the BTA in their opposition to the current bridge proposal and plan to attend the rally this Sunday to oppose it.

A quick summary of my views about this: we should not be spending money on a massive bridge that will only encourage car traffic. The US needs to wake up to the reality that cars are not sustainable. For the sake our planet's future, we need to be investing in projects that promote sustainable transportation. Not more car lanes.

Portia De Rossi "Apologizes"

2009-03-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Wow, its been a long time since I've posted here. I hate to admit this, but because of facebook I tend to post things there instead of on my blog. I know, I'm one of those facebook people.

Today however the posted items link isn't working so here I go shaking off the dust on this neglected blog. Hell, maybe I'll even write a real update sometime soon.

For now, here is a hilarious video clip from Portia De Rossi.

Pepsi's Gay Ad

2009-01-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

This ad has some conservative christians all in an uproar because it "promotes the gay lifestyle." Though I don't drink Pepsi, I think its awesome that they are putting out ads like this. Plus, its funny.

I don't get why people get so pissed off about companies who acknowledge that gay people exist. Homosexuality been around for a very, very, long time and isn't going away. So get over it already. [Rant concluded]

my housemates are awesome

2009-01-27T14:46:00.001-08:00

I've been stressing out the past few days about a missing package, bugging my housemates to let me know if it ever arrives. Today this image was posted on my facebook. I couldn't stop laughing for a good 10min. You guys rock.

A Bike Commuter Reborn

2009-01-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

For the first time since 10/30/08, I biked to work this morning. While walking my bike down our driveway, the old sounds of my clunky bike made me smile. And I felt rushed with joy as I started to descend down Harrison on my way to work. The entire way to work I realized just how much I missed my commute, especially the early mornings along the waterfront.

Oh gods, why did I stop biking for so long? Last night while chatting with a housemate, we talked about the vicious cycle of depression & lack of physical activity. Looking back, I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I had kept biking. At first my insomnia and long hrs at work made choose the bus where me falling asleep on the way to work wouldn't' be hazardous. Then (far too quickly) I become reluctant to return to biking. The weather of course didn't help much in Dec, still I can't help but wish I hadn't stopped so soon.

If I had biked even just one more week in November, I would have reached the 1,000 mile mark for total mileage. Sadly, I only did a total of 993.85 miles for 2008. Still, overall it was probably a good start for a newbie bike commuter. From June through October, I managed to bike commute an average of 87% of the days I worked (95% for October alone, my best month). I also saved a total $339 in bus tickets in 2008.

Pause & Resume

2009-01-12T19:50:00.000-08:00

The new year started for much later than everyone else, by almost a week in fact. The reason for this was that before only a few days ago, the aftermath of the past few months had dragged me down into a deep depression. It was only last Friday that I began to feel like myself again.

Since my last post, I have lost my grandfather. Unlike Grandma's death, I wasn't there the day he died and I've been told that this was a "good thing" by my mother and brother. Unlike Grandma, Grandpa was lucid till the end, and unfortunately in a lot of pain. Perhaps they were right. Seeing him in pain like that would have been horrible (I am still haunted by the image of Grandma before she died). Still, I cannot help but feel a stab of guilt for not being there for him like I was with Grandma.

On top of losing Grandpa, I've also lost the fragile relationship I had with my sister. We caught her stealing Grandpa's pain medication. Mom, my aunt Theresa, and I had a mini-intervention for her the next day, and at the time I thought we had helped her. She said it was just a relapse, that she had been totally sober before (well aside from pot & alcohol which she insists she can "handle"). She claimed that the stress at home and with Grandpa dying it had been just too much for her.

I wanted to believe her. Gods how I wants to believe her still. Yet my gut, my hear, my soul tells me that she's been using since Grandma died. Last August, I finally called her out after an eventual evening at the beach. And like now, she denied everything. Then she claimed that she just "accidentally" took too much medication. Then, like now, I couldn't shake the feeling that she was lying to me. All I had to do was look at her face to know that she was using again. Still, I think I wanted to believe that she was on the mend. Then Grandpa's health started to fail.

After I found out about how she stole pain medication from our dying grandfather, an anger began to develop inside of me. While Grandpa was still alive, I tried to swallow that anger. He passed away shortly before Thanksgiving, so I still kept it to myself since I didn't want to upset Nicole on a holiday. So the next week, I called her and tried to "calmly" explain to her that I was angry and need some space. Sometime the degree to which I'm a complete fool about my own emotions astonds me. Looking back I realize now that one cannot calmy explain angry while still feeling angry.

The phone call was a nightmare, once that has haunted me for over a month. Before I knew what was happening, I was yelling, no screaming, into the phone. Part of the reason that I lost control was that she was defensive after having talked to mom earlier that day, and despite my pleas to let me talk without inturruption, she went into a tirade about how we were "all making a big deal out of nothing."

Even as I type this, I feel that anger swell up in my throat. Stealing drugs from a dying man, let alone our own grandfather, is something I do consider a big deal. In many ways, I cannot quite forgive her for that yet. I hope with time I can, but right now.... the pain of losing Grandpa is too fresh. I still love my sister, and hope that someday in the future we can begin to rebuild our relationship. Yet the pain words she has thrown at me, on top of the anger I still feel, all of this has caused me to keep my distance.

Long story short, the past few months have been filled with a lot of pain and grief. Losing Grandpa has brought up all the lingering grief over losing Grandma. After the disastorous phone call with Nicole, I hid from both friends and family in my grief. I locked myself away in my room, indulged in my own bad vices and sulked in my anger and guilt. New Years Eve, when most were out having fun and celebrating, I stayed in my room, feeling miserable.

Around Thrusday evening last week, I started to snap out it. I've started to reconnect with my friends and have (finally) stopped indulging my weaker side. Tomorrow I also hope to resume bike commuting, something I had stopped right after things with Grandpa got really bad. Soon I think I'll even brave trying to write a letter to Nicole. It still tears at my heart that we aren't speaking to each other. At the same time, I need to take care of myself right now. I put my life on pause and now its time to it the resume button.

when it rains it pours

2008-10-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

This has been a pretty bad day to say the least. Someone at work ripped into me (via the passive aggressive route of email) for reasons I did not deserve. Luckily for them I did not read this email till after they left because I was shaking with anger after I did. A big part of the reason I got so pissed off was because the stress of the busy season at work is getting to me. And the bad family news I had received the night before was only making me even more stressed out. I do know that this person is acting out in frustration over things that are beyond my control as well as theirs, however I did not appreciate having that frustration directed at me.

So I left work after pulling yet another long stressful day full of anger I didn't know how to release. Each time I get this stressed or angry all I can think about is how I should invest in a punching bag. Anyways I then rode over to the Dino house for dinner still pissed off but beginning to calm down a bit. Amanda had invited me for dinner so I felt better once I was able to talk with her and Sabrina. Then I made the mistake of checking my voicemail. While riding home I had missed two calls, one from my sister and one from my mother. My sister was calling to chat because she was sure that I had "heard the bad news about Grandpa."

The night before Mom had called me that my Grandpa had fallen over the weekend and no one found him for 3 hrs. He had been taken to a hospital but she didn't really know how bad anything was. She did know that he was going to be able to go home within a few days. When we talked last night, it seemed that his fall was more a sign that they needed someone to be with him at all times. A sign that the family was going to have look into hiring someone to help him when he falls like that. A week ago or so, they had found several tumors on my grandfathers spine and since then he has been undergoing radiation treatment to prevent them from making him paralyzed. He had been week before the radiation, but now he's even worse.

Well it now turns out that this fall was worse than my Mom realized. I called Mom instead of my sister back, because I knew in my heart that the news I was about to hear would not be good. Grandpa had not only fallen but had also somehow cut himself. Jim, my uncle found him apparently said it looked "like someone had been murdered." He had been laying there bleeding for 6 hrs before Jim found him. Right now I cannot remember the specifics of what Mom told me, but the "bad news about Grandpa" Nicole had been referring to was fact that hospice was now getting involved with Grandpa's medical care.

We don't have a time line, but the impression I got from Mom was that he is approaching the end. When I go off the phone with Mom I just sat on the stairs in Amanda's house silently cried my heart out. Right now this all feels like more than I can handle. I don't want to lose both of my grandparents in the same year. When I heard Mom say the word hospice, my heart broke and "not again" kept repeating in my head.

Watching Grandma die... it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I don't know if I can watch Grandpa die as well... but I know I can't also not be there.

WebMD achives webcomic glory

2008-10-21T09:15:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Amanda for showing me this.

"Sign" of the Times

2008-10-13T14:35:00.000-07:00

This dude simply rocks. Thanks to NPR's Planet Money podcast & blog for posting this. I highly recommend both the blog & the podcast to help understand everything that has been happening with the economic crisis. I would also recommend This American Life's shows #363: Enforcers (Act two mostly), #365: Another Frightening Show about the Economy, and #366: A Better Mousetrap (Act two).

For my fellow sinophiles, the beauty ladies of ChinesePod, Jenny Zhu & Amber Scorah, did one of their Chinese Soundbites podcasts about the economic crisis.

This & the election are my two biggest obsession with the news. Gods I really hope Obama wins because I shudder at the thought of another 4 years of republican economic policy. At least Obama's lead in the polls only seems to increase with all the news about the economy.

[Update: at lease one "sector" of the economy is still strong, prostitution.]

Smith's fuck-up

2008-10-10T14:13:00.000-07:00

Lol, um... you meant Alaska didn't you Smith?

Bicycle Commuter Act

2008-10-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

I was pleased to hear that the bicycle commuter act was added as a sweetener for the bailout bill.

But after reading this BikePortland article about the details of this act I'm a little irritated.

Here is an excerpt:

Q: "If I put my bike on a bus/train for part of my commute, can I still get the benefit?"
A: "At this time, the language would preclude one from obtaining both a transit pass benefit and a bicycle commuting benefit…"

So many folks have to use trimet as part of their commute to make it reasonable to bike. I know several people in my office who live too far away to not use the MAX part way.

Overall this is a step in the right direction so I guess I shouldn't be too pissy. Still, boo I say, boo.

Palin Debate Flow Chart

2008-10-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Planned Parenthood Ad

2008-10-01T13:35:00.000-07:00

Nightmares of Putin

2008-09-29T15:17:00.001-07:00

This is just creepy. I'll be surprised if I don't get nightmares from this image.

starbucks vs. wal-mart

2008-09-24T13:37:00.001-07:00

Apparently Starbuck drinkers prefer Obama whereas Wal-Mart shoppers prefer McCain. Not totally sure what to make of this, but its certainly interesting. the fact that there is a group called "Wal-Mart Women" kinda horrifies me.

She shall not blink

2008-09-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

Oh gods, I nearly died trying to not laugh hysterically while listening to this at work.

Tina Fey as Palin

2008-09-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Once again, I find myself thinking I need to give SNL another try. This is pretty fucking funny.

If only....

2008-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Saw this posted today on a blog I read from one of the folks who work at Chinesepod. Finally a job opening I could apply for... if only I was ready to move to Shanghai.

ChinesePod Interns. Participate in the community and help us improve the product. Great for students of Chinese in Shanghai, as we can be flexible about the work times. Part-time position in Shanghai.

Really I would want a fully time position, and not an internship. But this the only job posting I've seen that I could being qualified for. Alas, I'm firmly settled in Portland for at least another year. I can only hope that my time here at WebMD will help me learn new skills that I can use to get a job at Chinesepod.

For now, I'll just have to continue to dream of working there. Sigh

Palin & Wolves

2008-09-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

To quote Dan Savage, "She lost the Wolf Hugger Vote." Not that she ever had my vote, but that certainly is me.

Lying Liar- Palin on earmarks

2008-09-11T13:07:00.000-07:00

I really like the pig graphics in this video.

McShame New Attack Ad

2008-09-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

I just really hope that the general public will not fall for these blatant lies coming accross in this ad. Gods please don't let McCain get elected.

Another Gold-star moment for the Daily Show

2008-09-09T11:07:00.000-07:00

Obama & McCains chinese names

2008-09-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

I love transliteration and below is a perfect example as to why. This week's Chinese Soundbites was about the presidential election here, and included in the vocab was the chinese names for Obama & McCain.

Most chinese version of english names focus more on the sound instead of the meaning. Because of this, when you take translation at one character at a time, sometimes you can get some really funny results.

麦凯恩 [màikǎiēn] John McCain (麦 oats, barley; 凯 triumphant, victorious; 恩 kind act, grace)

So McCain's name in chinese (if taken literally) could mean " a kind act of a victorious oat"

奥巴马 [àobāmǎ] Barack Obama (奥 obscure, mysterious; 巴 to hope; 马 horse)

And then Obama's name could mean "a mysterious hopeful horse"

A final note about translating chinsese names: most characters have more than one meaning, I just posted what worked the best or was the one that I'm more familiar with.

Somber Friday News

2008-09-05T11:07:00.000-07:00

Today my called me to tell me that my Grandpa, the husband of my Grandma who died in May, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Due to his age (86) and weak heart (had a heart attack back in 2002), treatment options for him are very limited. Luckily he seems in good spirits right now. The docs still need to figure out how aggressive this cancer is and if it has spread at all. Hopefully for Grandpa sake it hasn't spread since chemo is not an option.

The really weird thing about all of this is that on Wed, my mom had called me and left a voice mail. I when I listened to her voice mail (all she said was for me to call her when I got a chance), I had this sinking feeling in my gut that something was wrong. When I talked to her, she said nothing was wrong she just wanted to chat. They didn't find out about the cancer till yesterday, Thursday. The skeptical part of me chalks this up to a fluke, but part of me can't help but wonder if my intuition was picking up on something. I've usually taken some small degree of pride in how often my intuition is right. So after misreading Mom's message on Wed, I've been doubing myself. I was actually thinking about this on my morning ride to work.

Anyways, this is certainly bringing down my mood for this friday. I'm still dealing with losing Grandma... to think that Grandpa could go soon as well is still too much to deal with right now.

Todd Diamond

2008-09-05T09:12:00.000-07:00

A co-worker sent me this, its pretty damn funny.

Episode 1: Money

Episode 2: Oil

Jon Stewart on the "Gender Card"

2008-09-04T13:24:00.000-07:00

I simply love this man. Thank the gods there are people like him out there to point out how stupid politicians & pundits can be.

Creepy Robot Spider

2008-09-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

Saw this first on the BBC's Day in Pictures, and now one of my co-workers has sent it to me as well. I think this type of thing is cool, but bloody hell that image alone is enough to give me nightmares. While I have this dread fascination with spiders, in general they creep me out to no end.

If was walking around Liverpool (where this creepy robo spiders is currently located) and saw this, I would definitely have a moment of frozen terror. Yes its obvious its a robot... but even for this mild arachnophobe, this is simply horrifying.

that anniversary thing

2008-09-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

As of Sunday (8/31/08), I have been employed at WebMD for one whole year. However, I still consider my time as a contractor as working for WebMD though AppleOne was technically my employer. So for me, this marks the 2nd year anniversary at this job. Crazy to think that this job started out as a temp gig. Just something to pay the bills till I figured out what was next.

And I'm still figuring that out. I have ideas, vague sketches of something resembling plans, but really I don't know whats next. With Lindsay leaving soon for grad school... I keep having these "what am I doing with my life" moments. I'm biding my time really. Procrastinating in the usual fashion by sticking with a job that more convenient than a career plan. Don't get me wrong, I love working here. It's a great company and I work with some really awesome people. But I don't see myself following a "career" in customer service (or whatever else you could call my job).

Anyways, I'm full of nostalgic thoughts today. So here an interesting little list of where I was X years ago....

....1 year ago I had just started living Lindsay and working as a full time employee for WebMD
....2 years ago I was living in that horrible attic bedroom and had just started my "temp" job downtown
....3 years ago I was starting my senior year trying to figure out what my thesis was going to be about
.... 4 years ago I was adjusting to life in 福州 Fuzhou and getting to know 妙妙 Joyce

Obama's Acceptance Speech

2008-09-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

Simply an excellent speech. I know I sound like yet another giddy Obama fan, but this man is the first politician who makes me feel hopeful. The first who really inspires me. Well first that is alive and contemporary, Bobby Kennedy is still one of my favorite politicians.

Please by all the gods in existence, let this man win. It would be so nice to have a president in office I'm not ashamed of.

Chinese Soundbites

2008-08-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

The Shanghaiist & Chinesepod have teamed up create a weekly podcast called Chinese Soundbites. Hosting this show are two of my favorite ladies of Chinesepod, Jenny Zhu & Amber Scorah. Amber is the host of the Dear Amber, Chinesepod's cultural show where podies ask questions about life in Shanghai or chinese culture in general.

So if you're a fellow sinophile or just moderately interested in China, check it out.

Update: Got an email from Amber thanking me for mentioning this on my blog. Pardon me while I have a geeky blogosphere moment. [does a little happy dance]

Just In Case Squad

2008-08-29T11:26:00.000-07:00

another moment of xkcd comic genius

2008-08-29T11:15:00.000-07:00

The last cell in the lower right is my favorite.

Is this the same Kerry?

2008-08-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Why didn't he sound this awesome when he was running for president?

Wtf? Another Twin Bike Post on CL

2008-08-26T13:57:00.000-07:00

Even the handle bars match this time. If it were for the lack of fenders and the knowledge that my bike (well should be) safely locked downstairs, I'd be worry. What's with all the red ladies schwinn's on craigslist?

Correction: So after comparing this post & the one before, its clear that this bike is a "twin" while the earlier one is more like a sister. I have the Varsity Ladies Schwinn like this one. It's a very subtle difference between the two.

My bike's twin for sale

2008-08-25T14:06:00.000-07:00

I recently decided to buy a new bike instead of buying new wheels for my current one. This decision came about after chatting with a co-worker and he convinced me it might be worth my money investing in a better commuting bike. After really thinking about it, I realized this might be best course of action. I love my current bike and don't want to let it go, but I do need a better bike for the trips I'll hopefully be taking with my brother.

So anyways, I've been searching craigslist and today I came across a bike for sale that is almost my bikes twin. My handle bars are a different color, and I've of course added fender and a bike rack. Not to mention ridiculous amounts of red reflective tape to the spokes of my wheels. Still, this is crazy.
I'll try to get a comparable shot of my bike when I get home today. Best part of this find, their asking price is $150, I only paid $70 for mine. :)

Wtf McShame, 7 houses?

2008-08-21T10:03:00.000-07:00

A fair-weather cyclist

2008-08-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

So far I haven't rode my bike to work at all this week. Tuesday I did the indecision dance where I changed in & out of my biking clothes as I kept changing my mind whether to bus or bike to work. While this week is definitely a fluke weather week, it has made me painfully aware that I'm not ready to continue bike commuting in the rainy season.

What I need to do:

get new aluminum wheels to replace my hazardous steel ones
get some rain pants
get a better rain jacket

Seems like a simple to do list, however I've had all summer to do these things and have not. Getting new wheels is my top priority. I'm hoping, that once I have aluminum wheels I will actually have brakes in the rain.

That last close call I had while riding my bike in the rain has made me paranoid at just the sight of a cloud filled sky. This is counter intuitive for me since I love rainy weather. But every morning this week when I've looked outside, the sight of clouds has made me sad.

My love affair with coffee

2008-08-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

The poem, "In Praise of Joe" by Marge Piercy, for today's Writer's Almanac perfectly described my relationship to coffee. Here are some of my favorite lines:

"Mornings you go off in my mouth like an electric
siren, radiating to my fingertips and toes.
You rattle my spine and buzz in my brain."

"Without you, I would never get out of bed

but spend my life pressing the snooze
button. I would creep through wan days
in the form of a large shiny slug."

Lately I'm up to on average 2 cups of coffee, on same days (like today) I'll venture into a 3rd cup. Any more than this I'm asking for a horrible stomach ache.

At one time, I tried to cut back... but due to my continuing insomnia and tendency to never go to bed before midnight, I'm still thoroughly addicted. I've even began savor my weekend cups of coffee where I get to drink good coffee in comparison to the drab stuff (Starbucks) they offer for free here at the office. Oh coffee, I love you so much I'll say it in several languages. 我爱咖啡! J'aime le café!

09 Travel Plans

2008-08-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

Today I talked to 妙妙 Joyce online and she told me that she's going to stay in Taiwan to have her baby. Before she had been trying to come to Portland to have her kid, but her Mom convinced her this would be a bad idea. I have to say I'm relieved. I too thought this was a bad idea and felt guilty that I told her I couldn't live with her. So now I'm pondering trying to visit her in Taiwan around the Chinese New Year in Feb.

I'm also planning on visiting Lindsay in Manchester with a stop in London to visit Amanda & Ben and Max & Amy. If this all works out, I'll basically be repeating the vacations I took this year. I hope I get a little more vacation time next year since it will be my second year as a full time employee. Still, I love traveling so much I want to make these trips happen. We'll have to see.

Right now I need to see when I can get a new computer. Joyce told me she now has a Mac book, the one I've been coveting ever since my parents go one last December. My current computer seems to be slowly dying. I'll have to play around with my finances... but maybe I could get one in Sept or Oct. I would love to be able to use the video call feature with my skype account. Talking to Joyce online isn't always easy as her oral english is better than her writing. Plus being able to see her as well as hear her voice would be awesome. I miss her so much. I still cling to the hope that someday I will live in Shanghai and we can see each other almost everyday again.

500th Mile

2008-08-11T14:28:00.000-07:00

Last week was a mixed week for me biking wise. Unfortunately, I had a very close call with a car. I was on my way to work and had stopped at a four way stop on NW Thurman & 26th. There was a car also stopped going the other direction. Since I saw no turn signal, I started to go straight when his car moved. For some reason I didn't start biking full speed and thank the gods I didn't because I quickly realized that the car was about to make a left turn right into me. I braked and the car stopped as soon as he realized how close he came to hitting me. The driver simply looked at me a bit daze, his expression mostly unread able. I yelled "TURN SIGNAL!" and then he took off. Since I was only a few blocks from the office, I arrived very shaky and freaked.

More and more I realize I am now learning the rules of the road as a bike commuter. So I'm constantly second guessing every decision I make while out there on the road. But this time I really feel that I did nothing wrong. If the car had signaled a left turn, I probably would have waited for him to go. Later that day I had a car almost make a right turn right into me and then yell at me for stopping at a stop sign. This scenario was a little more iffy. I had pulled up along side him so we both were at the stop sign at the same time. Still, I had clearly "stopped" since I was in his way and had to remind him of my presence since he was about to hit me. I'm never sure about places like this. I go to the right of the cars so that they don't run me over when they make right turns. However there was no bike box, or even a bike lane. Just the car and the narrow space between it & the curb where I pulled into. Perhaps I should have waited behind him, however I usually find I can make my turn before the cars.

Anyways, despite that bad day, last week I biked my 500th mile. I've been keeping track of my total miles and $ saved for each day I bike commute. Oddly enough, it was that bad day of almost getting hit that I biked the 500th mile. I think when I reach my 1000th mile I'll do something to celebrate. For I'm simply proud that I've been keeping up with this so much.

As of today: Total miles biked=550 Total $ saved= $175

Reunions & the Olympics

2008-08-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written anything here. A lot of things are going on in my life right now, sadly more bad than good. Right now it's still too painful to post about publicly. So all I'm going to say is that the hardest thing in the world is telling someone you love that they have a serious problem and need professional help.

Friday I was thrilled and amazed by the opening Olympic ceremony. 我爱看奥运会! (translation: I love watching the Olympics!). My heart just filled with pride for China. I was also excited because I could understand some of the announcements in chinese before they were translated into english! I've been bad about my studying, but my oral skills are still there. Lindsay was intrugied by the chinese names for countries and I got a moment to geek out about my favorite website Chinesepod. They have an excellent site up that devoted to the Olympics, I highly recommend it. During the commerical breaks, Lindsay & I listened to the chinese for various countries. Oh how I love transliteration :)

Sunday I met up with an old friend from high school Katelyn. It was so good to see her again. We hadn't seen each in probably about 4 years. It was amazing how quickly we slipped back into our old friendship, almost like that time had never passed. I'm really looking forward to spending more time with her.

Jenny's China: Olympic Edition

2008-08-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

Blog Ego Moment

2008-08-08T15:51:00.001-07:00

TV Reviews

Trailer for the Half Blood Prince

2008-07-31T10:10:00.000-07:00

McShame Strikes Again

2008-07-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

Juxtaposing Obama with Paris Hilton & Britney Spears?! I'm sure McCain could have made the same point with a more relevant comparison. This is just petty.

Fred Meyer Promotes Biking

2008-07-30T11:05:00.000-07:00

Someone share this section of Fred Meyers website "Pedaling to Sustainability & Savings" on the Shift list today. I shop here a lot and have felt a bit guilty about it since well, they're a big company and all that. But this is awesome. Not only does is highlight the environmental and health benefits of biking, but it also talks about safety measures. There is of course a plug about the cycling products they offer, but its not the focus of this page since its hidden towards the bottom.

Someone on the Shift list responded that they used to work there and would get perks for biking to work. That's more than my current employer offers. I really love working for WebMD, but it would be sweet if it offered some biking incentives. There is, however, a good community of bike commuters in the office (we even have a mailing list where people post fun biking stuff).

Hopefully this is a growing trend for all companies. Biking commuting is the future!

UPDATE: Someone responded to this post (on the Shift list) pointing out that the 39th & Hawthorne Fred Meyer (the one that I shop) at has applied for "LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) certification under the U.S. Green Building Council’s LEED for Existing Buildings program." Keep it up Freddies!

McCain fumbles over Gay Adoption

2008-07-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

Perhaps he actually does support gay adoption, but I honestly can't tell after watching this. He's obviously trying so hard to appease the conservative base (that he desperately needs if he wants a chance in the general election) that its almost painful to watch.

best wedding cake ever

2008-07-25T15:47:00.001-07:00

Obama not Osama

2008-07-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

Caprica!

2008-07-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

Battlestar Galactica prequel show coming soon! Eek!

I [heart] Al Gore

2008-07-18T13:24:00.001-07:00

the double penetrating "power" of Christianity

2008-07-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

This video is a perfect example of why I think Christians are crazy (& the pseudo-science they use to justify their beliefs). Now I'm feeling nostalgic for my days as a religion academic when I studied Creationists. Those nutty kids.

I recommend checking out the comments on here. My favorite is this one, #43.

"Now i get it! Christians are shriveled up, vinegary, and sour, and then they wind up being oozing, dried out husks of their former selves when they find jesus!

Why didn't somebody just come out say it years ago?"

must watch!

2008-07-16T12:19:00.001-07:00

This is fucking hilarious!

It's called satire people, look it up

2008-07-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

I wasn't going to post about this because I thought it was too ridiculous. What I'm talking about is of course the recent controversial cover to the New Yorker.
I heard about this on NPR long before I saw the actual image. I was expecting something far far worse. When I did finally see it, I thought it was pretty fucking funny. Come people, do we need to review the definition of satire?

What prompted this post was the spoofs of this cover. Both found thanks to the Slog. I personally think the one for the National Review is the best, but both have their merits.

"black people toothpaste....."

2008-07-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

"... because they have the whitest teeth." Thanks to the Slog for posting this toothpaste seen in a Shanghai grocery store. It made me nostalgic for the random/absurd things you can find in chinese supermarkets. Usually everything I saw was mostly about whitening your skin, but doesn't surprise me this obsession with whitness is happening with teeth as well.

A Sign of Commitment

2008-07-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I journeyed out to the Grove to get my hair done. After a great deal of indecision, I decide to take the bus that morning and leave my bike at home.

Somewhere, there is a secure WebMD bike parking area. In this bike parking area, I could leave my bike overnight if I wanted to. Right now I use the main area that for general use in the building and they do not allow overnight storage. So the indecision dance was me debating whether or not to bike to work that morning, and try to find this seemingly mythical WebMD bike parking before I would leave for the Grove. I gave into my tired & lazy side and opted to search for this parking area later.

This lead to a second "dance of indecision" later on that day. The dance of whether or not I would stay the night at my folks house. In the past I would always stay the night after getting my hair done since the appointment usually didn't end till after 8pm. (Yes, it takes 2 hrs to get my hair done... this is one of the few truly girly things I do in my life. Shut up.) But when I had made the decision to not bike that morning, I told myself that would mean I would go home right after my appointment. I must have changed my mind about that a dozen times throughout the night.

I ended up with a sort of compromise. I decide to stay the night, but rode in with my Dad. That meant I got up at 4 am, so that I could take the MAX/bus to my house with enough time to shower, eat breakfast then start my ride to work. Being on the bus yesterday made me realize how much better biking is.

Moral of this story: Reanne is now willing to sacrifice sleep for the sake of her bike.

Octo-pied

2008-07-09T10:10:00.000-07:00

The world needs more art like this.

octo-pied building by ~FilthyLuker on deviant ART

Squirrels & strife

2008-07-08T14:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we lost power for a few seconds, just long enough for me to lose a good 1.5hrs worth of work I had put into spreadsheet doom on behalf of my problem child client. I had been working my ass off to be fully prepared for a meeting I was going to have with the client the next morning. Today I found the source the power outage, a fucking squirrels.

From on email about the power outage: "We were informed by PGE that the brief outage yesterday was due to a squirrel knocking out a feeder line."

You little fuckers, I knew you were nothing but the SPAWN OF SATAN!

No one believes me when I tell this story, but I was targeted by the squirrels on campus at Reed when I foolishly attempted to do some reading beneath a tree. I would be sitting there, when a nut would fall to on side. Then another. Soon I'm being pelted from a sinister squirrel above me, aiming straight for where I was sitting. Every time I tried to enjoy the campus, the fucking squirrels would be there to make sure I remember who was boss on campus.

And now they have found a way to continue causing me strife. How foolish I was to think I would be safe indoors.

Be a Locavore!

2008-07-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

The Sustainable Business Network of Portland is promoting this week as "Eat Local Week"

So get out and become a locavore!!!

Bittersweet Bike Box

2008-07-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

You read the full article from BikePortland.org about this here.

Patriotism, Muppet-style

2008-07-03T10:55:00.001-07:00

This is about as patriotic as I'll get for the 4th. Well, unless you can count on drunken foolishness I plan on for tomorrow night. Drinking is american right?

Get your act together Amazon

2008-07-02T13:09:00.000-07:00

Found this via a Slog post. Amazon apparently has a policy that "prohibits the sale of items that are 'illegal, inappropriate or offensive,' which 'includes any good or service that violates local, state, or federal laws or regulations or that would be generally offensive to others.' ” And yet they are currently selling this T-shirt.

I'm usually a fan of Amazon, but this is fucking ridiculous. I can imagine someone defending this in the name of "free speech" & "satire. " But that defense only goes so far in my opinion. If a store has a policy like Amazons, then they should not sell items like this. I'm not saying people shouldn't be allowed to purchase offensive t-shirts, but it shouldn't be sold in this context.

Qwik-e Mart for Bikes?

2008-07-02T11:21:00.000-07:00

Bikeportland.org posted an article today about "Trek Stop." Located in Madison, Wisconsin (home of Trek Bicycles) these booths give bikers quick access to things like air, lube, patch kits, etc. I think this is a brilliant idea and hopefully something like this will soon appear in Portland.

Queen of the Podwaves

2008-07-01T11:34:00.000-07:00

Jenny Zhu, one of my favorite people from Chinesepod and the blogosphere, was the cover story for the July edition of That’s Shanghai. You can read her interview here.

I highly recommend her blog, its full of cultural insights about China from a 上海人 Shanghainese perspective. During my recent trip to Shanghai, I was oddly ran into her at a Japanese restaurant. It was one of the more bizarre moments of serendipity in my life. You can read my previous post about it here.

Bike Boxing

2008-06-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

Oh Portland, where else can people get so excited about a bike box?

McCain in Vogue

2008-06-27T11:51:00.000-07:00

This fucking hilarious. Was posted on the Mercury blog as "John McCain reaches Out for the Gay Vote."

planning for failure

2008-06-27T11:05:00.000-07:00

Somedays I feel like this pretty much sums up some of the work I do.

Unforeseen Side Effects

2008-06-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

My current route to work involves me crossing train tracks 2-3 times (circled in red) on my way to & from work. The reason I take this route is that I can avoid downtown and it is a fairly low traffic level route. The main downside to this route: I get stuck behind the bloody train sometimes 2-3 times. Each time I find myself waiting for the train to pass, I find myself debating the merits of this route.

Now a new unforeseen side effect has appeared. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, the moment I hear the train whistle I start to tense up. The past two night I've had trouble falling asleep because I could hear the train from my open windows. Luckily its hasn't been too hot in my room, but soon I will need to be able to leave my windows open at night. However once I hear the train, my brain jerks awake from sleepy mode. Snapping me into this tense and agitated state.

I've already made some improvements to my route. Recently I started to join the on ramp (from the east side waterfront) for the Hawthorne bridge on my way home. This has proven useful to avoid the train tracks on Clay and not to mention I don't have to climb that bloody hill. But unless I start heading through downtown, I'm doomed to be stuck behind a train once in a while. Sometimes this hasn't been so bad. Twice I've had very pleasant chats with fellow cyclists waiting for the train to past. Both times I had a moment of happy warm feeling for the bike community in Portland. However, most of the time I'm just there standing on my bike, impatient for the damn train to move.

Having to wait for the damn train is one thing. But this Pavlovian effect affecting my sleep is just not cool. Am I doomed to the sound of trains always making me feel tense & pissed off?

how i really should be spending my day

2008-06-24T09:27:00.001-07:00

Is it Greek to You?

2008-06-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

As a kid I read everything I could about Greek and Roman mythology. This was long before I became a pagan. I probably could have done a little better on this quiz if I wasn't so sleep deprived as I am right now, but still not that bad of a score.

Mythology: Is It Greek To You?

Score: 62% (8 out of 13)

Check out this event: Zoomorphicycles

2008-06-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

Hosted By: DW
When: Thursday Jul 10, 2008
at 7:00 PM
Where: Opposable Thumb
3312 SE Belmont
Portland, OR 97217
United States
Description:
DW

Click Here To View Event

mental biking note

2008-06-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

Do not compose blog posts while riding.

Yesterday I found myself thinking of my next "newbie bike commuter" post, and almost rode my bike right into a car that had pulled out in front of me. The absurdity of what almost happened made cancel my musing I had been composing and post about this instead.

As of this week, I've done 3 consecutive weeks of bike commuting, averaging about 3-4 days each week. So long as the weather stays this nice I'll probably get up to everyday. The downside to my increased confidence on my bike is that I'm not in hyper-attention mode anymore. Twice now I've caught myself mentally drifting off, forgetting what I was doing and that I should be paying attention. I'm sure that as soon as I get injured or almost hit, my paranoid side will re-emerge and I'll go back to jumping at shadows. However I'd like to think that I could maintain a relaxed but aware state on my bike. We'll have to see.

when comics describe my life

2008-06-20T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I'm not this bad, but this is pretty damn close to what goes on in my head when I'm with people I like.

Nice try Trimet

2008-06-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Overall, I think the Trimet new trip planner is better than the old version. One little critique though. So it shows you where you need to walk when you get off the bus/MAX etc, but here its telling me to walk through the block to get to my parents house. Um... am I supposed to defy physics or just trespass Trimet?

Guiding the way for Lost Candy Semen... oops i mean Seamen

2008-06-12T13:44:00.001-07:00

Or as the Slog put it, "When Candy Design goes Wrong"

Nationalism Chinese Style

2008-06-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

This Chinese guy stuck 2008 pins in his head to celebrate the Olympics. Have to give this guy some degree of respect, but holy fuck can you imagine how long that must have taken?

And then I saw this on the BBC: parents are naming their kids 奥运 Aòyùn, thats chinese for the Olympics. Yesterday on Jenny Zhu's blog (of Chinespod), she posted about how the game officials have released an official Olympic four part cheer for Chinese spectators to use. "This doesn’t mean spectators’ can’t cheer in their own ways, but the authorities hope to rally a uniform, powerful and 文明/wen2 ming2/’civilised’ audience to showcase China’s image to the world."

I find all of this surge of Chinese nationalism in the news fascinating. Perhaps it my own lack of nationalism that makes me find it so perplexing, because I honestly do not understand having such pride in one's country. When I was in Fuzhou they had a mini parade one day for all the international students. They wanted us to walk around this stadium, holding a mini flag of our country. I stole a French flag because I didn't want to hold an American one. I did feel a little silly for this at the time. However, I do not feel proud to be an American at all. I feel pride for Oregon and Portland, but not for this country.