dreaming

I had a confusing dream that I was going to school again at Reed. For some reason I was living in Forest Grove again with my folks, but had found somewhere in downtown Portland that I could stay at sometimes.

At one point I was on campus going to a french class. While reviewing my text book I got this overwhelming deja vu feeling that I had done this before. Then I started to remember that I had already graduated from Reed.

[I find this dream particularly amusing since I've actually been missing being in school a bit. However when I started to realize in the dream that something wasn't quiet right since I already graduated, it felt kinda creepy to be on campus.]

Worst Paper Comment EVER

[I wrote this after getting this comment from Arthur McCala (my favorite prof at Reed) on my recent religion paper. "The intellectual content of your paper is excellent, however it is betrayed by your writing."]

so while i was waiting to get back my paper from roma, i got my 301 paper back from arthur and i fucking did terrible. i tried with this one, i got someone else to edit it, i went over a second time myself and it didn't do anything. he said he couldn't tell there was any editing at all.
and now i fucking crying over a paper. i know its cause i haven't slept, but right now i feel like a total failure. i'm about to go into my junior year, what if this continues....what if i can't make it. i was so stupid to begin to think that some how i've gotten 'smarter', i'm only taking three classes and i can't write a fucking decent paper.

all my dream of ever being a writer are dying...and grad school...a phd? yeah, if i can't make it now, i have no hope.

really need stop this...i should sleep. i just don't know how i can face arthur again.

this day, this day has had taken so many shapes, so many twist and turns...

i felt my world dying slowly in my arms, so i surrendered myself to my tears and slept. it was but an hour, maybe and hour and half. yet i have wandered the bounders of the valley.... i have looked into the depth and seen my nemesis.

i will not let this defeat me. i am more than a few paper comments. this is not academic death, this a challenge. if i'm serious about my scholarship, then i know what I must do.

so now i take leave of this campus for an eve and i return to a home of a dear family friend (with mom and dad). i need this more than anything else.