that anniversary thing

As of Sunday (8/31/08), I have been employed at WebMD for one whole year. However, I still consider my time as a contractor as working for WebMD though AppleOne was technically my employer. So for me, this marks the 2nd year anniversary at this job. Crazy to think that this job started out as a temp gig. Just something to pay the bills till I figured out what was next.

And I'm still figuring that out. I have ideas, vague sketches of something resembling plans, but really I don't know whats next. With Lindsay leaving soon for grad school... I keep having these "what am I doing with my life" moments. I'm biding my time really. Procrastinating in the usual fashion by sticking with a job that more convenient than a career plan. Don't get me wrong, I love working here. It's a great company and I work with some really awesome people. But I don't see myself following a "career" in customer service (or whatever else you could call my job).

Anyways, I'm full of nostalgic thoughts today. So here an interesting little list of where I was X years ago....

• ....1 year ago I had just started living Lindsay and working as a full time employee for WebMD
• ....2 years ago I was living in that horrible attic bedroom and had just started my "temp" job downtown
• ....3 years ago I was starting my senior year trying to figure out what my thesis was going to be about
  
• .... 4 years ago I was adjusting to life in 福州 Fuzhou and getting to know 妙妙 Joyce
  

in transition once again

To quote my brother, " Hello everyone. This is [Reanne], the bad blogger."

It's been while since I've actually posted more than just a funny pic or video clip. So much has happened in the past month: Grandma dying; my vacation to visit Ry & Alletta in London; traveling to Edinburgh; seeing Eden; Joyce and her baby news (post soon to come on this one). Next thing I knew I was back home and I'm still getting back into the swing of things. I have these high ambitions about writing about all of these things, but we'll see what actually happens.

Right now, I want to write about this feeling that started when I was in Shanghai and then become even stronger when I was in London. My brother and I were walking through this park, Hampstead Heath, and I found myself telling my brother how I felt like I was entering the period of change in my life. It wasn't until I said those word that I realized just how true this is. I feel like I did right before college. When I was in the flux between high school and college, I remember having this feeling. Or rather, a sense of change. Like smelling the rain in the wind long before the drops start to fall.

Maybe its my growing involvement in the bike community here. Maybe it's some vicarious feeling from Susanna & Lindsay with them about to go off to grad school. All I know is that I feel like I'm about to enter a new phase in my life.

So since I'm in this contemplative mood, I feel like listing my current goals for this summer.

• Read more
  
• Been spending far too much time playing computer games (Civilizations or Settlers of Catan online mostly) or watching DVDs while I crochet. I used to be an avid reader, but lately I'm lucky to read anything more than comic books.
  
• Bike more
  
• Not just for commuting but for recreation as well. With Pedalpalooza starting I hope to part in more bike rides this month. But really I should do more independent bike rides on my days off. There lots of Portland I haven't seen yet, and it will only help my nervousness the more I ride.
  
• Eat healthier
• Been in a junk food phase, mostly due to laziness & not wanting to cook. But I really want to start eating more veggies. Lately my inner environmentalist stomps her foot when I eat meat, reminding me how bad the industry is to both the animals and the environment. So far my cheap side has drowned out her pleas, but she's getting harder and harder to ignore.
  
• Practice chinese
  
• I paid for a premium account for Chinesepod right after I got back from my trip to Shanghai, but I've barely used it. [hangs head in shame] I still dream of someday living in Shanghai (and hopefully work for Chinesepod), so I need to get off my lazy ass and make time for studying. My inner (academic) nerd seems to be in hiding. Perhaps that lazy, slothful side has her tied up in closet somewhere.
  

Almost

Today we almost lost my Grandma. In two weeks she has lost 13 lbs, just two weeks. She's not eating. She's diabetic. She has liver cancer. And she almost died because she was starving herself. Between my conversations with Mom and her and Grandpa, I've somewhat pieced together what happened today. My uncle Jim, who has been staying withs them for a little while (or at least visiting frequently) either figured out she wasn't eating or knew that she was in trouble, I'm not really sure. The point is that he got her to the hospital and saved her life. Otherwise this entry would be very different, this would be marking her death.

This isn't her first close call and part of me knows that her time with us is limited. Of course as I type this words I know that even that is ridiculous. We are all mortal creatures, dwelling in this corporeal shell for an unknown span. Death aside, the time we have, the time that we know anyone is limited. The only guarantees in life is that things will and must come to an end. So I try to remind myself of these things as a way to cope, as way to mentally prepare myself for what I know must come. Her death. My parents death. The death of a close friend. My own.

At this moment these words, this attempt at clarity of thought for the sake of emotional release only feels vacant, hollow and inconsequential. These words won't change the fact that people I love will die. That Grandma is more likely to die of starvation than the tumor growing in her liver. These words don't even really make feel any better. They just are and they can't be contained. I tried calling Lindsay and after I explain what happened, my words left me. I knew that I needed to say something, to release the gnawing feeling in my gut. But I couldn't.

After I got off the phone, I went upstairs and stared outside while I called Grandma, hugging a pillow like an anxious child. Over and over I kept asking myself what I wanted to do, what I needed to do. And this is all that I could think of.

And now I feel the words leaving me again, and that gnawing feeling as become a knot. And I am without a way to release it.