when it rains it pours

This has been a pretty bad day to say the least. Someone at work ripped into me (via the passive aggressive route of email) for reasons I did not deserve. Luckily for them I did not read this email till after they left because I was shaking with anger after I did. A big part of the reason I got so pissed off was because the stress of the busy season at work is getting to me. And the bad family news I had received the night before was only making me even more stressed out. I do know that this person is acting out in frustration over things that are beyond my control as well as theirs, however I did not appreciate having that frustration directed at me.

So I left work after pulling yet another long stressful day full of anger I didn't know how to release. Each time I get this stressed or angry all I can think about is how I should invest in a punching bag. Anyways I then rode over to the Dino house for dinner still pissed off but beginning to calm down a bit. Amanda had invited me for dinner so I felt better once I was able to talk with her and Sabrina. Then I made the mistake of checking my voicemail. While riding home I had missed two calls, one from my sister and one from my mother. My sister was calling to chat because she was sure that I had "heard the bad news about Grandpa."

The night before Mom had called me that my Grandpa had fallen over the weekend and no one found him for 3 hrs. He had been taken to a hospital but she didn't really know how bad anything was. She did know that he was going to be able to go home within a few days. When we talked last night, it seemed that his fall was more a sign that they needed someone to be with him at all times. A sign that the family was going to have look into hiring someone to help him when he falls like that. A week ago or so, they had found several tumors on my grandfathers spine and since then he has been undergoing radiation treatment to prevent them from making him paralyzed. He had been week before the radiation, but now he's even worse.

Well it now turns out that this fall was worse than my Mom realized. I called Mom instead of my sister back, because I knew in my heart that the news I was about to hear would not be good. Grandpa had not only fallen but had also somehow cut himself. Jim, my uncle found him apparently said it looked "like someone had been murdered." He had been laying there bleeding for 6 hrs before Jim found him. Right now I cannot remember the specifics of what Mom told me, but the "bad news about Grandpa" Nicole had been referring to was fact that hospice was now getting involved with Grandpa's medical care.

We don't have a time line, but the impression I got from Mom was that he is approaching the end. When I go off the phone with Mom I just sat on the stairs in Amanda's house silently cried my heart out. Right now this all feels like more than I can handle. I don't want to lose both of my grandparents in the same year. When I heard Mom say the word hospice, my heart broke and "not again" kept repeating in my head.

Watching Grandma die... it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I don't know if I can watch Grandpa die as well... but I know I can't also not be there.