Pause & Resume

The new year started for much later than everyone else, by almost a week in fact. The reason for this was that before only a few days ago, the aftermath of the past few months had dragged me down into a deep depression. It was only last Friday that I began to feel like myself again.

Since my last post, I have lost my grandfather. Unlike Grandma's death, I wasn't there the day he died and I've been told that this was a "good thing" by my mother and brother. Unlike Grandma, Grandpa was lucid till the end, and unfortunately in a lot of pain. Perhaps they were right. Seeing him in pain like that would have been horrible (I am still haunted by the image of Grandma before she died). Still, I cannot help but feel a stab of guilt for not being there for him like I was with Grandma.

On top of losing Grandpa, I've also lost the fragile relationship I had with my sister. We caught her stealing Grandpa's pain medication. Mom, my aunt Theresa, and I had a mini-intervention for her the next day, and at the time I thought we had helped her. She said it was just a relapse, that she had been totally sober before (well aside from pot & alcohol which she insists she can "handle"). She claimed that the stress at home and with Grandpa dying it had been just too much for her.

I wanted to believe her. Gods how I wants to believe her still. Yet my gut, my hear, my soul tells me that she's been using since Grandma died. Last August, I finally called her out after an eventual evening at the beach. And like now, she denied everything. Then she claimed that she just "accidentally" took too much medication. Then, like now, I couldn't shake the feeling that she was lying to me. All I had to do was look at her face to know that she was using again. Still, I think I wanted to believe that she was on the mend. Then Grandpa's health started to fail.

After I found out about how she stole pain medication from our dying grandfather, an anger began to develop inside of me. While Grandpa was still alive, I tried to swallow that anger. He passed away shortly before Thanksgiving, so I still kept it to myself since I didn't want to upset Nicole on a holiday. So the next week, I called her and tried to "calmly" explain to her that I was angry and need some space. Sometime the degree to which I'm a complete fool about my own emotions astonds me. Looking back I realize now that one cannot calmy explain angry while still feeling angry.

The phone call was a nightmare, once that has haunted me for over a month. Before I knew what was happening, I was yelling, no screaming, into the phone. Part of the reason that I lost control was that she was defensive after having talked to mom earlier that day, and despite my pleas to let me talk without inturruption, she went into a tirade about how we were "all making a big deal out of nothing."

Even as I type this, I feel that anger swell up in my throat. Stealing drugs from a dying man, let alone our own grandfather, is something I do consider a big deal. In many ways, I cannot quite forgive her for that yet. I hope with time I can, but right now.... the pain of losing Grandpa is too fresh. I still love my sister, and hope that someday in the future we can begin to rebuild our relationship. Yet the pain words she has thrown at me, on top of the anger I still feel, all of this has caused me to keep my distance.

Long story short, the past few months have been filled with a lot of pain and grief. Losing Grandpa has brought up all the lingering grief over losing Grandma. After the disastorous phone call with Nicole, I hid from both friends and family in my grief. I locked myself away in my room, indulged in my own bad vices and sulked in my anger and guilt. New Years Eve, when most were out having fun and celebrating, I stayed in my room, feeling miserable.

Around Thrusday evening last week, I started to snap out it. I've started to reconnect with my friends and have (finally) stopped indulging my weaker side. Tomorrow I also hope to resume bike commuting, something I had stopped right after things with Grandpa got really bad. Soon I think I'll even brave trying to write a letter to Nicole. It still tears at my heart that we aren't speaking to each other. At the same time, I need to take care of myself right now. I put my life on pause and now its time to it the resume button.