Cycles

Once again I find myself facing a hard truth about myself, one that I've had before. Forgive me for the intentionaly vague language in this post, but I'm not fully ready to admit this publicly on the interwebs. All I say is that I've been hiding from my life & acting in ways that I find shameful. I knew what I was doing was wrong and that it was making me miserable. Yet it wasn't until this last weekend that I was finally ready to accept my failure.

This is the third time I've had this realization and I hope to the gods it the last. Each time before I thought I had learned my lesson. Each time I swore to myself that I was done with this self destructive behavior. But then I fool myself into thinking I can handle it. That I can have this part of my life & still function like a normal adult. Its never long till I come back to reality that I need to stop.

I can't keep avoiding my life, avoiding the people I love & care about. I feel like I've been in hibernation or a coma. That I've just been sleep walking through my life instead of actually living it.

So here I am once again making promises to myself. My hope is that this will be the last time I write a post like this. That this will be the last time I have to apologize for this type of behavior. No matter how painful it may be, I'm determined to face this with absolute honesty. Honesty to others but more importantly honesty for myself. I can't keep ignoring what I know is true. And I can't keep avoiding the changes I know I need to make.